Two Men Saw a Headline and Changed My Life

On June 9, 2005 a man named Ray McCarthy grabbed a copy of the THR, and stopped in his tracks. The photo

and headline that day grabbed a place in his heart and would not let go. 

The headline read, FATHER OF FOUR, SCIENCE TEACHER, KILLED IN IRAQ. The photo was a young weepy woman on a glider swing, surrounded by her four adorable, but clearly upset, little boys. 

Ray called his friend Paul. The two men had busy lives, and impacted their communities in their own ways. Like all of us, they’d grown accustomed to seeing one tragic story after another making the news. 

If it bleeds it leads, right. 

Both of these men gave where they could, as many of us do. But in this instance, they wanted to do more. They wanted to do more than offer thoughts and prayers. More than donate to a fundraiser. They couldn’t unsee or unfeel that photo, and they couldn’t continue to work and live in the Hudson Valley knowing that family was one of thousands here who serve and sacrifice, while the rest of us go about our lives. 

So, they started to talk about what they could do, and soon enough they’d assembled a Board and put together a local nonprofit that to this day continues to provide one time financial support to local active duty or veteran service members and their dependents. Hundreds, if not thousands of people have been impacted by this support- heat bills are paid, car repairs are made, roofs are repaired or replaced. Whatever the crisis may be, that organization is there to be a bridge between that service member and their family, and hope. 

I know this because, if you haven’t already guessed, I was that young widow on the front page. It was my husband, Lou Allen, the headline referenced, and those were our beautiful kids on that swing with me. 

For the next 10 years I struggled.. I’d loved everything about being Barb Allen, Lou’s wife. I hated everything about being Barb Allen, Lou’s widow, and I really hated that my four kids had to grow up without the guidance, protection, and  presence of their extraordinary dad, who loved them so much. It wasn’t fair. I was so mad, and so scared, and confused, and … mad… Down I went, taking my kids with me through one series of missteps and disasters after another. Finally, I hit a turning point- one more person stepped up to help me secure a new job - one which would not make me rich, but would help me pay my bills and hold on to the home my kids had grown to love. But even better than that- this position as a VSO, assisting local military community with accessing the VA benefits, and counseling them through the process, allowed me to do something meaningful with my life. I couldn’t help but smile , and wish I could reach back to the me , 10 years in the past, the me who’d wondered what I would ever have to offer this world ever again, and tell her… You’ll see. I promise…The only problem was… how would I cover the gap in time between where I was, and when the job started in a few more months? I wasn’t sure how I’d pay my mortgage and keep the lights on.

But remember that organization? The one started by the men who saw the story about my family in the paper? A Board member I knew encouraged me to apply for assistance. I swallowed what was left of my pride, and did - and that organization paid my bills until my job started. 

Because two men saw that front  page and decided to do more… I could exhale while preparing to start that new job.

Because of the people who’ve stepped into my life, to do more so many over the years, from the day my doorbell rang and throughout the years sicne- and the people who have set an example for me to follow on how to do more. I’ve been able to build a new life, one in which I’m blessed with a new love.

In this new life, with this extraordinary man, I’ve discovered all sorts of layers of beauty and gratitude no matter what is thrown at us.

Lou’s legacy is enormous. In life, he impacted hundreds of students- now adults- who still find me to tell me how he shined his light into their lives. His death inspired two men to create a nonprofit that first I became a beneficiary of, and, in a really awesome full circle kind of way - I am now the president of. 

I have HUGE goals and dreams I still plan on making reality, in my own life.

On top of helping people write their own books, I have a film I wrote the screenplay for, that I’m about to go into pre production on.. That’s crazy, right? But you know why I know it will happen now, over a decade after I wrote the book? Because now I know why I wrote it. Now I know why this needs to be a film- because I know that it will touch hearts and move the souls of people who are struggling with loss in their lives. It will unite people with its humor, its message, and its sweet hope in a time when we feel more divided than ever. It will remind everyone who sees it that pain  and sometimes even suffering is inevitable, but

Surrendering is always optional. 

And that is a legacy I can be so proud of. But it won’t  be just my legacy, will it?

Nope.

It will be the joint legacy of the people who came to a candlelight vigil at my home, who lined the streets the day of Lou’s funeral. who started the nonprofit, who told me exactly what I needed to hear in the moment I needed to hear it, who gave me their own Purple Hearts in honor of Lou, who hugged my kids, who were there for me at 2 am when I needed to talk, who stood by my side when I was falling apart, and all the other incredible things people have stepped forward to do in my life…. 

And that is something so beautiful, I have not yet found the words to describe it.

^{This article is a excerpt from a keynote talk I recently had the honor of giving}