When Not Even Murder is Sacred Anymore

Love him or loathe him, Charlie Kirk was a human being. He was a cherished son, a brother, husband, and father to two precious, innocent young children. That truth should matter more than anyone’s politics. And yet, the public reaction to his murder made it painfully clear how easily we forget that.

I haven’t spoken out about this.

At first, I was battling the flashbacks and resurfaced wounds his murder brought up for me. I was about Erika’s age, with four very young children (my oldest was just 6 years old), when my husband was murdered.

It was a long time ago but still, anyone who’s ever lost someone- especially to murder or other sudden, traumatic event - knows what I mean when I say it can feel like just yesterday sometimes. 

Lou and his CO, Captain Phillip Esposito, were murdered before social media was a thing. Facebook was still in its infancy. MySpace was the thing then, and I did not have a space on it. 

Perhaps social media would have helped us. Perhaps with viral attention, the military would not have been able to get away with the way it treated our case and figuratively murdered Lou and Phil all over again. Perhaps not. I’ll never know. But as I sit here today I think I’m glad social media was still so small, because I was spared the volumes of hate that fuels it. 

I can still remember how nauseating it was to have people comment on the online articles about Lou’s murder, stating “he must have deserved it,” and such. It took me years to overcome the pain of being judged by strangers and by people I knew, for how I so clumsily navigated my grief. 

I cannot imagine how I would have handled those comments magnified by social media.

I was so outmatched by the enormity of it all: Lou was not just my husband and the father of our children. He was my best friend. Being his wife meant everything to me. I was not even close to strong enough to manage my grief, let alone a capital murder trial in the military, national news reporters pretending to care about us just to fill a news cycle, learning how to mother four of my own precious innocent young children, and all the ways things changed in one heartbeat. 

I made mistakes. A lot of them. I was awkward, vulnerable, manic, suicidal, desperate, and very immature. I laughed during the court martial hearings because if I didn’t I would cry. I hooked up with a new man less than a year after being widowed, because he was the only one who came over and sat with me while I cried. He played with my kids, helped me take care of them, and told me the lie I needed to hear, that “Everything will be okay.” 

Oh, how I was judged, and scorned, and shunned over the years. 

So my heart has been breaking as I see the way Erika Kirk has been treated - because I know what that is like.

I don’t know a thing about her. Probably not any more than most of the people spewing hate at her. All I know is that her husband was assassinated on stage for the world to see, and she’s been catapulted out of his shadow, into the limelight. 

All I know is that it would have been so powerful if people could have resisted the urge to use her for likes- if they could have set aside whatever need they have to pounce on tragedy- and shown some grace.

How inspirational that would have been.

But I didn’t speak up because I was too weary of the noise, and I saw others with much bigger platforms speaking up. 

For a moment it looked like grace had a chance. 

Until yesterday, when our president used his platform to spew hate at another man who was murdered, and in so doing cast a veil of shame on the entire Conservative movement. 

Rob Reiner and I probably would not have been friends, even if we had ever met. I have my own strong thoughts and feelings about his liberal views and actions, and he would most likely have wanted nothing to do with me.

But the man was murdered.

With his wife. 

Probably by their son!

And rather than just keeping his mouth shut if he could not summon the grace to offer condolences to the family, Trump posted what I believe to be his most asinine, cruelest post of all time, mocking a murder victim and bragging about himself. 

I voted for Trump all three times. I stand by my position that our nation is far better off with him in office, than with any Democrat in the current Party. But that does not mean I agree with all he says or does. I am not blind, or ignorant, or living in an echo chamber like so many people like to tell me. 

To the Reiner family, on behalf of so many, I apologize for that post. 

It does not reflect who we are, or the true heartbeat of the people across the aisle from you. 

May the Kirk family, and the Reiner family, find some grace in these graceless times.